The 20 Funniest Tweets From Women This Week (June 22-28)

Me: I need to make better life choices.

Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.

— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) June 23, 2019

my mom: hi
me: WHAT DO I DO WITH RECEIPTS SHOULD I BE KEEPING THEM ALL???

— Karen Chee (@karencheee) June 23, 2019

Me this afternoon, peeling out of the Gelsons parking lot after spending $80 on potato salad and spicy tuna rolls. pic.twitter.com/KCJrBtCVrp

— Rebecca Keegan (@ThatRebecca) June 24, 2019

Okay but what if you fool me nine times? It goes back on you, right?

— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) June 27, 2019

currently deciding if I should save up for a tattoo or a nice vacuum what a curious life phase this is

— Julia Bush (@jabush) June 24, 2019

couldn't remember the word for penguin so i called it a cold boy

— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) June 25, 2019

How did Ariana and Pete only happen last year, how many lives have we lived since then

— Ella Cerón (@ellaceron) June 26, 2019

No one:
Every woman over 50 while eating dessert (ANY dessert): wow it’s so RICH!

— madrigal (@whatmaddness) June 24, 2019

Ten democratic nominees stand before me, but I only have nine pictures in my hands... pic.twitter.com/jdtLylgyEo

— @PiaGlenn (@PiaGlenn) June 28, 2019

i will never forgive apple for making the charge hole also the earphone hole and yes those are the names i have chosen to give them

— Bim Adewunmi (@bimadew) June 23, 2019

No one:

Absolutely no one:

9 year old me during the 2008 recession: Why can't they just print more money?

— chloé🌛🌈 (@chlostrophobic) June 23, 2019

absolutely was eaten alive by mosquitos over the weekend, might not ever recover. please respect my privacy at this difficult time. when i said i looked like a snack i DID not mean to cc them!

— hunter harris (@hunteryharris) June 25, 2019

me on my way over to my friend's house with gatorade, ibuprofen and snacks after they nearly threw up in the uber the night before pic.twitter.com/z5KMfJrjsP

— Samantha Tomaszewski (@managewski) June 26, 2019

one of the worst kinds of eye contact is with anyone waiting for a table in a restaurant when you are sitting at a table

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) June 26, 2019

the dream of the 90s is alive in strawberry, arugula, walnut salad

— Annabel Gat (@annabelgat_) June 24, 2019

No one has ever offered me cocaine and I’m mildly offended by it.

— Nicole Cliffe (@Nicole_Cliffe) June 25, 2019

Just sent a save-the-date for my 30th birthday all-day bagel brunch three months in advance to give it the gravitas of a wedding.

— Sophie Vershbow (@svershbow) June 26, 2019

🎵SomeBODY once told me to stay among the seaweed
But I just went ahead and got legs
I was lookin kind of dumb cuz the sea witch almost won
But got stabbed with a boat now she’s so dead🎵

— Fossilized Tree Resin (@Jamberee13) June 24, 2019

Four weeks into a job, you’ve seen everybody’s shirts

— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) June 27, 2019

It is annoying that 10 people on stage for dem debate tonight and not one of them is megan rapinoe

— Samhita Mukhopadhyay (@TheSamhita) June 26, 2019